Inner Tussle - Illustration 1

Illustration for by Tamanda Mdyanyama for writer Eugenia Rogers' Human Diary.

I’m fine.
I can’t be better than this present state.
Of course, I’m alright.
They say, “chill, it’s just a pen.”
But it's not just a pen.
I lost hold of my dreams,
my hopes,
by losing that pen.
It's not just a pen.
Now I feel helpless,
worthless,
without my pen,
I’m hopeless!
It's not just a pen!

As I lay down and count the rafters on the ceiling,
thinking.
I hope my pen has not been broken.
The void in my heart will never be repealed.

The emptiness in my hands will never be filled.

It's not just a pen.
I’m fine
I can’t be any better than this present state
Of course, I’m alright.
Who am I kidding?
Why am I pretending?
You can never understand because you are not me.
And my pen is not your pen.
Yes I am making this a big deal because it is!
Let me mourn my lost pen.
Don’t shut me up.
Don’t run away from me.
I’m only sad because I lost my pen.

Because I lost my being.