How to Get Over Heartbreak Like a Stoic Philosopher

Stoic philosophy has been around for almost as long as humankind has been writing about love and loss. We can trace the beginnings of Stoicism as a school of thought to the founders Zeno, Cleanthes, and Chrysippus. These guys were setting out their treatises between 344 and 206 BCE.

So far so ancient, but what wisdom can the heavyweights of Stoic philosophy offer us when it comes to modern love and heartbreak?

Embrace the Temporary - Epictetus

“ … who knows what he is, if he forgets that things which have been made are perishable, and that it is not possible for one human being to be with another always?” – Epictetus

Heartbreak hurts, there’s no doubt. But if we look at a past love and remain glad of the time we did have with that person, and accept that some things are perishable, then we are one step toward embracing the temporary nature of all things.

Epictetus had the drive to ruminate on that which we can’t control - he was a slave before he was a free man.

Look for the Positive - Seneca

“Do you bury friendship along with a friend? And why lament having lost him, if it be of no avail to have possessed him? Believe me, a great part of those we have loved, though chance has removed their persons, still abides with us” – Seneca

Ever optimistic, the Stoics encouraged us to look for the positive in all things. Here, Seneca urges us to understand that lament is worth nothing if we don’t remain conscious of the fact that we ultimately gained through the lost relationship.

Celebrate the Lost Love - Marcus Aurelius

“Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature‘s delight” – Marcus Aurelius

Roman emperor and philosopher Marcus Aurelius opens his ‘Meditations’ with a list of people. These are people that the Stoic felt has added to his life and, in turn, to his own sense of self.

For Aurelius, properly honoring the time we spent with someone allows us to see that we have, overall, gained from the experience. Even if it feels like a loss at first.

Use Pain as a Teacher - Cato the Younger

Although he was at times wayward, prone to bouts of drunkenness and occasional violence, the politician and Stoic, Cato the younger, left us with the lesson that pain itself is a great teacher.

Through pain, we grow as people and through pain, we discover internal fortitude and a strong, unbreakable will. This is something Cato knew about personally; he was dedicated to his values when it came to the Roman empire, despite the adversity and hardship he faced.

Let Go of Judgement - Chrysippus

For Chrysippus, one of the key founders of Stoicism in philosophy, emotions, in and of themselves are judgements. This is not to say that judgment is inherently a bad thing, Chrysippus, like other stoics, viewed human faculty is a logical and rational process.

Where judgment goes awry is when a wrong judgment is made and that process gains momentum and passions increase. The lesson here is to try and judge one’s own judgments before they take root. In terms of heartbreak, before you decide that the ex in question was this, that, and anything else you can level at them, try and take an objective stance.

Final Words of Widsom - Love Madly, But Don’t Go Mad

“... let us enjoy our friends avidly, for how long this blessing will fall to our lot is uncertain.” – Seneca

Although the Stoics have an unwarranted reputation as cool and emotionless, the reality couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, many of the key thinkers in the field wrote passionately about their wives and lovers.

Where they differ from the ideals of an all-embracing and all-consuming love is in the notion that people should always remain masterful of their own emotions. Love, love fully and deeply, but don’t let love drive you mad is the message here.

As we’ve seen, Stoicism extolls the benefits of introspective thought and self-control. In many ways, Stoic philosophy has a lot in common with the modern self-help manuals we see in bookstores. It is actionable, requires one to question one’s self before acting, and champions rational thought.

Will Stoicism help you get over a heartbreak? Perhaps it will if you can nourish the kind of inner fortitude these guys had going on.